Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
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[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
this is 10/10 content no notes
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow