Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
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Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
“what that mouth do?” complain
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
A wise man once said nothing.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.