Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
The pasta is now
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.