Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.