“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.