Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I’d use my best pan on you.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude