Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: βCan you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?β I had to hand it to him, I didnβt think of that ππππ
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
My neighbors had a party and didnβt invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[meeting girlfriendβs dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why donβt they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Iβve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized Iβve created a monster
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.