[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
You Might Also Like
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.