If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Spotted in New Orleans.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.