Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
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watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.