America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?