Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
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Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah