Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
You Might Also Like
What a chick magnet..
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.