I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.