her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Oh my god
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.