me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
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Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.