the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
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If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing