I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
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None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
sir, my pâté if you please
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?