BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
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It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*