I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
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Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.