The Onion called it…again.
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Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.