[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
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Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.