You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Cartman: Respect my
a a
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil