[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
🙄😏😂🤣
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
no
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!