Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
💻🤡
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Chicken bread
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.