Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Never let them know your next move 😂
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.