people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Practicing safe sax
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Before crowbars crows drank alone
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.