My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Jogging
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?