Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
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The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂