Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
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“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.