[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
You Might Also Like
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I’m awake but I object,
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“i am a sweet baby”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I just tested negative for patience.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.