Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Oh. My. God.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?