Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
You Might Also Like
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.