WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
bears
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot