me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
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me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.