On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure