Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
You Might Also Like
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
*praying for world peace*
God:
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*