My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
You Might Also Like
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I came this close!!!!
I hate everything
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”