just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
You Might Also Like
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Important reminders
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.