8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.