me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
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What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
first you must answer his riddles
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad