If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
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A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My birthstone is kidney
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.