Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I WON A HAM TODAY
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said