My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Support your local cemetery
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*