I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
🤣🤣🤣
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”