“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.