[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
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This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!