Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
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cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.