Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Me irl
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?