If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
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ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“OMGJK” -atheists
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!